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WHEN I'M GONE

WHEN I'M GONE

When I’m gone and the minutes turn into hours, and the hours turn into days, the heaviness inside your heart may seem too much to bear. I know you will long to hear my voice, see my face, sit beside me, tell me you love me, hear my laugh, or just have those simple conversations we once had. I know that it probably hurts more than anything else ever has, and you feel like you just cannot go on. I am sorry I had to go. What I want you to understand is that even though all of that physical stuff is gone from sight, our love will never cease to exist. The love that we share is what will carry you through. Our ties, our bond, and our love cannot be severed. Love is the most powerful force on Earth and transcends all…even death. Life will be different when I’m gone; you won’t like it and you may want to fight it. You will want to scream out loud in agony, but when you pick yourself back up off the floor, like I expect you to, remember our love. Let our love emanate through your body. I am there, our love is there; I am just gone from sight.

I have high expectations of you now that I am gone. When every cell in your being wants to give up and wallow because the sadness and pain is unbearable, I want you to take some time and allow yourself that, but then I need you to put two feet on the ground for me. When you cannot do it for yourself, do it for me. I no longer have that privilege. You are going to want the world to stop turning, and you will want to holler at all of the people continuing their lives while you are stuck in this vast array of darkness; but when it is dark, I want you to wake up and watch the sun rise. I know that awakening from your slumber may be one of the hardest tasks because the reality of me gone is excruciating. Each day, when you feel like you cannot put one foot in front of the other, watch the sun slowly come up through the clouds and know that I am still there with you. When night falls and the sorrow rears its ugly head, go outside and look up at the stars and the moon and realize the intricacies of the universe and speak to me; I am there.

With the change of every season, think of me and find a way to honor my spirit. As the spring showers start falling and the birds start singing, take a moment to take it all in and appreciate the beauty. During the summer enjoy the warmth of the sun on your face, the flowers, and the insanely beautiful summer storms and rainbows. I will be in each one of these things. As fall begins to come around the corner…enjoy the crisp air, and as you watch the leaves fall from the trees, realize that this death will soon give way to a rebirth of life. When the snow starts falling for the first time, go outside and be mesmerized and let the snowflakes fall on your tongue…enjoy each breathtaking moment. When find yourself traveling the world, dip your toes into the ocean, feel my spirit there beside you. I am everywhere you are.

We are always connected, you just need to find a way to keep that connection…it may be through a butterfly, or a song, a rainbow, or a beautiful sunset, or some crazy thing we did together, but it is there, and it will always be there. You now have the opportunity to expand your heart into something you didn’t know existed; I have no doubt in your ability to do so.

Most importantly I need you all to live your lives with strength and love. I want you all to live boldly, with passion and determination. I expect you to love with everything inside of your soul, unapologetically. Love is all we have to give of ourselves, and love is what is going to carry you through this unbearable pain. So when I am gone, love big, love fully with every piece of your heart, and don’t leave anything left unsaid. Speak my name often. Close your eyes and open your spirit and you will feel me beside you…guiding you every step of the way. I don’t want you to ever forget that even though I am gone from sight, our love is not, I am just a conversation away, so talk to me…tell me your joys and your sorrows, I still want to be a part of it all. When I am gone, and you are feeling lonely for my presence, read this quote over and over until you don’t feel quite as lonely, and remember I will always love you!

“Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. For those who love with their heart and soul there is no separation!” ~Rumi

Much love,
Jill Kottmeier

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Jill Kottmeier-First and foremost I am a mom to two amazing teenagers, and a nurse. My passion in my profession is perinatal bereavement, specifically working as the bereavement coordinator for Women’s & Children’s Services. This has led to many incredible connections in my life. Personally I have dealt with a lot of grief in loss in my life which led me to start sharing through written word. I have a love for nature, healing, yoga, and life. I pride myself in giving to others, living a life of love, and finding miracles in every day life.

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